hate transformations. Anyone who even semi-knows me knows I'm crave nothing in the end but stability, and maybe a large piece of chocolate cake.

I write this after having a big ol' showdown here in the Marina. While sitting in the bathroom, I decided that I'd had enough of my own bitchiness and passive-aggressive spite for my mother that it was time to settle it.

I walked out and said "I want you to know why I've been so bitchy, and it started before Pesach, and I feel as if you've been forcing me to do things I don't want to do and that's why I've been so angry". I probably should have added an "I'm sorry", but whoops. Well, all hell motherfucking broke lose. My grandmother's in town for Passover. I love my grandmother, I do. But with all this surgery recovery, I'm not in "chill" mood. Right now, especially after the incident with my Mom a few days ago, I've been in sulky bitchy mood.

Which is unacceptable, apparently. God forbid I'm not Mary Sunshine. Passover has been EXHAUSTING. When I mentioned I wasn't sure if I wanted to go to synagogue last week, my Mom said "we'll go, if you get tired, we'll go". I was exhasuted by 1:15. Told my Mom. She told me to go take a nap in the kids room. THANKS Mom. I don't like having to seclude myself from activities, I'd rather go home. But no, god forbid we leave because I'm tired.

Oh, and when I say I might not want to go to temple, I get a condescending "Well Shira, you simply have to do what's important to you", which is her way of saying it should be important to me, and if it's not, I'm wrong.

She had absolutely NO idea how condescending she is. So I've been bitchy. I'm the first to admit it. But it's also this HUMUNGOUS transition, and while at times I feel incredibly lonely, I also need some alone time. The second my grandmother and Ari and Tamar came, I lost all that, and my little area I'd created for myself. Maybe it's selfish of me, but it felt like some of my space had been invaded. But I think I handled that well. Today I suggested maybe bringing back my perch somewhat, but my mother shot that down my pointing out how I need to think of others. After all, my grandmother wanted to use the small table to put her feet up. I was thinking we'd move the table to how it was before and we'd put a chair and Mommom and I would have plenty of space for our feet. But no, too selfish.

I'm just selfish. It's okay that in the last month I've gone from having independence and a life to suddenly being homebound. Worst of all, dependent. Apparently, I've been forgetting my "Pleases" and "Thanks Yous", and BOY, did Mom make a big deal of that. First of all, we're sort of comfy together, so I forget, and also, I'm feeling bitchy. SORRY.

I don't know what she wants me to be, but I won't become Miss Peppy. Maybe I need, oh, an adjustment period. She "threatens" to send me to my father's which would be terrible right now, but I would just to watch her suffer worrying. I am mildly vindictive.

I'm just pissed. Don't get me wrong, my mother has been INCREDIBLE the last few weeks. No question. I don't know WHAT or even HOW I'd be living or surviving without her.

That being said, must I be perfect to show my gratitude? Can I please be sulky? Can I please just adjust to the humiliation that I can often NOT wipe my own ass? Sure, she's working VERY hard to take care of me, but I just lost the last several years of my work on my independence. Now I have to call my mother to wipe my ass. It's humiliating, and I don't think she understands the inner pain I go through as I've lost so much of my physical independence.

So tonight the shit hit the fan. I just cried a LOT. My grandmother, naturally, took my mother's side. My mother's so perfect. "Honestly Shira, if I had anger issues, would I have such a great life and friends?".

Hmm, she hasn't met MY friends. I have an incredible group of friends. If we're judged by our friends, I think I'm doing pretty well.

She does have anger issues. She has this smile which I hate. It says "You're obviously incapable of understanding this, so let me condescend as much as possible, okay?".

I love my Mom. I just...I wanted to let her know how I felt. Apparently, that's not allowed. I should have known.