Eating? Um, SHIT.

So I guess I've gotten into my favorite "this is how to lose weight" attitude. Stupid head.

As usual, I'm not eating. Don't get me wrong, I'm eating but not quite where I should. What, not a problem. It's the "how to stuff 1,400 calories in a day" that I'm suffering with.

Which means I just stop eating-ish.

Calories 898 Fat 30.8 276 32 % Saturated 8.1 73 8 % Polyunsaturated 6.1 55 6 % Monounsaturated 9.8 88 10 % Carbohydrate 107.3 400 46 % Dietary Fiber 13.9 Protein 49.8 199 23 % Alcohol 0.0 0 0 %

That is today's lovely total. It happened because I idiotically wanted oatmeal for breakfast instead of the usual cottage cheese or yogurt. Do I fail because of that? I mean, I feel like I fail JUST because I didn't even get to 50 grams of protein today. Why? Well, the breakfast thingy helps. That and I'm not hungry. I did eat two cups of papaya though.

I had the "cold sweats" all day. Either it's over, or I'm coming down with something. Last night looked something like this:

12:00 a.m: Take sleeping pill, et al.
2:00 a.m. Wide awake.
6:00 a.m. Wake up again. Take SECOND sleeping pill
10: 45 a.m. Wake up, groggy but unable to sleep anymore.

So I got up, ate my stupid breakfast, and went back to sleep. Cold sweats ALL day. I've tried to eat intermittently (literally, get up-eat-sleep), and I just haven't been hungry.

But I still feel like a failure for (again) being under 1,000 calories and only 50 protein? And did you SEE my carb intake? Who CARES if I'm in recovery or sick, this is no time for eating failure. To the extent I had my Dad pick me up WHOLE milk at Trader Joe's. If all else fails tomorrow, I'll start chugging. I don't like whole milk, for the record. But I need the calories, the fat, the protein, and I don't want to start relying on protein drinks. Because if you give me a Pure Protein Banana Shake with 35 grams of protein in, like 170 calories, that's it. I'm SO over the eating thing.

Dad got me a new pound of chicken thighs, so maybe I'll cook something up. Now I can have noodles again (yay Bertolli or whatever "Plus" pasta. 1 oz is like heaven. But I'm lovin' the quinoa too.

But given those carbs today. Ugh. Stupid "I feel like shit I want Matzo Ball soup".

Am I too hard on myself? Probably. But too late now. I guess in a weird way, I should be grateful I'm eating period. But still. Ugh.

I think I need meat. Darn. Should have had Dad pick that up too. But since I'm the main meat/chicken eater (read: pretty much only), we shouldn't keep too much on hand, since it does spoil.

Maybe I'll make that Tuna Salad I liked tomorrow. We'll see how I feel when I wake up.

Regarding the body healing. The swelling goes up and down. Given the soup + salmon burger I had tonight + er, nature's expectant present, I assume I'll be happily swollen for a few days. The two "hip bitch" incisions (aka gravity and my thighs pull at 'em) are healing beautifully. I'm diligently neosporin-ing them.

I see Dr. Aboolian on Thursday, YAY! I so need new Steri-Strips (don't know? Really don't ask), and a good check up.

Tomorrow, depending on my wake up time (please, oh god of Valhrona cocoa. Let me sleep), I'll play in the kitchen with the chicken (hehe, it rhymes), maybe eat. Okay, DEFINITELY eat, and then I have to listen to some Greek buzi (?) player at my Dad's weird friend's house. *sigh*. I got out of the last shindig. But I'll be good. Or I'll still be sick. As much as I don't want to see this guy, I'm not up for a day of more cold sweats.

Time for bed, ye gods of all things good.