Gee, I'm Pooped.

And this was a relaxing day. Yes, ladies and gentlemen. I sat for at least 1/2 hour today. At once. Overall, I watched a few episodes of "How I Met Your Mother", did some car hunting (I love the hunt!!), and rested to the best of my abilities for 4 whole hours. Then my mother picked me up and we went to see my favorite man, Dr. Aboolian. They were ridiculously impressed with how well my hip is healing which begs the thought...

"Wow, maybe there is something to this healing thing".

In spite of waking up to horrific news (Prop 8 UPHELD in California, gay marriage illegal, but not the ones that have already occured, WTF?)...I'm actually feeling good. Sometimes I catch myself in bitch mode, and blame it on the Vicodin. Kaley was like "I get so buzzed, how do you do it?". I wish I got buzzed. Instead, I get to walk/lightly hobble without stiffness. I'll take what I can get.

Anyway, despite the hip shit, I'm physically feeling, well, wonderful. It's hard to basically force-feed my anorexic brain, but 1,600 calories and 120 gms of protein, give or take a bit, every single day, has improved my physical health, and I suppose there is something to be said for the mental/physical connection. Not that it's my whole line of study or anything, but when it comes to my personal being, I'm fantastic at denial.

On the way to/from Anaheim to check out a car that we didn't buy (*sniffle* Forest Green BMW Convertible), Malcolm and I chatted. He's a bit awkward, but a nice guy. He was saying that at first he was concerned I had a personality that might make people act negatively towards me. "The stuck-up bitch part", I asked? He explained that not only was he getting to know me better, and see "what a sweet girl you are" (No seriously. Does he know me?), but also that he was witness to a few personality changes.

For a moment, I thought he was saying I was going all schizo on him. And then he elaborated that he's seeing an "inner confidence" come out, but it's more than that. It definitely makes me think, that yes, I am becoming more confident, and sometimes, I even like myself.

Yes. I like myself. Not all the time, but I'm really starting to. Maybe I'm not half bad as a person. Sure, I'll always self-depracate, I think that's in my nature of neurosis, but as I uncover a body I dreamed of, I'm also uncovering myself, and it's rather scary. I do miss my fat suit sometimes, in that I miss being able to just escape the world into a bad of Milanos and say "screw you". Now, I'm "in" the world, and it's a vulnerable place to be.

I also am frustrated that it takes such superficial things for me to finally be happy with myself. Why is it only now that I'm developing a really hot body (I am, seriously. It cannot be denied!) that I begin to like myself? How can I truly be so superficial that I only like myself when I'm of appropriate size? Is that ME or is that my Dad and how do I decipher who's who in my brain? I know that many of my issues come from so much of the bullshit I was raised with, blah blah blah. But I hate that it's cliche that I like myself more when I'm small. I should have liked myself before, and I'm sort of pissed that for someone so introspective and occasionally intelligent that my self-like should be correlated at all with my dress size.

So be it. Apparently I'm going to shrink another 1/2-1 more size. I can't actually comprehend that, but cool! It's weird.

My nurse, Alysha, wears a 4. She's TINY. She's gorgeous, she's tall, she's blonde, she's got a body I would kill for. And yet, apparently I have it already. Talk about a mindfuck. In my brain, I'm at MINIMUM a 12, some days I still feel like a size 24. So to be as small as a woman I think is beautiful and tiny, well - that's gonna take some mindwork.