Well, not really. It happened. I have the fallout with Ian to deal with. He misses me. He wants me. He says he'll cut out the drugs. But that would require my believing him. And I don't believe people when it comes to diseases and addiction. I speak from experience, myself, and a certain psychopath. So he can swear that he's clean, but I have no proof. I am skeptical.
On the flip side, I would give anything for him to become completely clean, fall in love with me, and let us have ridiculous sexual tension. God, just thinking about him. Hey, he was my first male love with a serious crush. I'm entitled to have good fantasies. He's not taking my trying to break up with him very well. He's pissed, he insulted, and all that. Well, fuck it. Honestly? If he swore he was going off drugs, I would actually believe him, because he tells me all about his fuck ups, drugs and otherwise. He confides in me when he messes up because I don't judge people backsliding if they're on a path to some form of sobriety. I'm a giver, it's what I do. I will help with whatever is necessary.
I wish I didn't love him, this would be WAY easier.
I binged like a mother tonight. Don't ask me what I ate. Oh wait, I know, DUH.
Brie, 3 small slices
1 serving Kashi Crackers
1 Peach
1 Apple Pie Lara Bar
6 Crackers
4 Graham Crackers (with corn syrup. Ugh)
1 Luna Bar, Chocolate Caramel
3 Small White Egg-Bread "knots".
Chocolate chip rugelach.
What can I say, they're starches. Whatever. Whether it is PMS or anything, it's unacceptable behavior. Tomorrow, I can only get better. Strictness will happen, somewhow. I will not fail. I will not regain this wait.
Ohmigod, I'm failing. I'm failing. Help. Please. Someone. I know I failed tonight. Make it better. I can't exercise. I can't knock down my calories. This sucks.
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Wow, I know you're out of it. (wait instead of weight.)
ReplyDeleteOtherwise, goddammit no you're not failing. It's a binge, and it's partially a part of life. Don't make me fly to LA and slap you around a bit. You will never realize how good you've done at this, but you're faaar from failing.