F.M.L.

I never really cared for the term, "FML". When I hear it, I think of 15 year-olds going "Ohmigod, Mrs. Danson assigned 6 pages of homework, Ef-Em-EL!". Don't ask, just let my brain go where it may.

However, in terms of its actual term and not abbreviation, it seems highly appropriate for me, to at this point say, FUCK. MY. LIFE. No, seriously. FUCK MY LIFE.

There's always been the knowledge of severe emotional abuse in regards to the relationship between me and my Dad. I know I have an adopted half-sister named Liza that my father abandoned years ago. I just never thought he would abandon me. I figured at the very least, I had the whole "flesh and blood" thing.

A few days ago, I got a call from Dr. Aboolian. My father's check has bounced, and he is refusing to pay. Literally. Like, "No, I will not pay you". That's what he says, as if it's a perfectly acceptable, logical, and most of all, not-at-all-immoral thing to do. Nevermind that he signed a contract. Nevermind that he has an obligation. He flat-out says he won't pay. That, I'm afraid, will have to be worked out in a lawsuit, because my father is officially insane. Sociopathic, in fact.

I always defended my Dad against my Mom's anger, "You're father's an insane sociopath", because I didn't believe it. My Dad had to have a modicum of conscience, right? I mean, he's not FULLY pathological, RIGHT?!

And that is where we go wrong.

I explained to my father that I could not continue to speak with him if he did not fulfill his legal and moral (emphasis on moral) obligation.

He kicked me out. Well, not quite like that. He simply explained that "he doesn't wanna" and if I have a problem with that, well, it's MY problem. And if I have such a problem with it, I can live with my mother. Oh, and by the way? He will no longer offer any financial support, including health insurance.

My father has decided to abandon me. Or, you could say I'm technically abandoning him on moral grounds, but I think anyone can see that this is truly an opposite situation. The man is saying that his "I don't wanna pay my obligation, 'cause!", is more important than me. His daughter. His flesh and blood. His child.

To say I've been living in shock would be a gross understatement. Tonight I got an email asking me to clear out my things and/or put them by the curb. Oh, and I guess I'd like to stay with my mother for awhile, because of "your recent decision".

Did I miss a day in empathy class? Trying to make sense of this situation is impossible. The man has truly, TRULY no conscience whatsoever. Who else could abandon their child and call themselves the victim. (No, really. Ask him. He'll tell you how much he's suffering and why he can't pay his bills. His daughter? "We're not talking because she doesn't understand my suffering, even though its so obvious how much I'm suffering because I'm suffering, don't you see?")

I asked him to pay a bill, and he told me to get with the program or get out. I'd "get with the program", but I have this thing called a conscience and the minimum of a 2 year old's idea of right and wrong.

I'm incredibly hurt, beyond angry, beyond words. This man sees nothing wrong with asking me to run illegal businesses, forge signatures, and now, conspire to purposely NOT pay a man who has in many ways saved my life.

My Mom promises to take care of me. I know she will. I've already learned how to budget (no, really guys!), but it is going to take a LOT more therapy to get through this. I'm thankful for the last several years of intense work that are somehow keeping me from offing myself. I think I'm thankful, right? It's sort of a complicated emotion. I don't really wanna die, I'm SO much better than that, and I really do have so much to live for. I just want him to suffer.

All those years I defended him, I loved him, I took care of him, when no one else would, because he's my Daddy and I was convinced he loved me. Completely shattered into oblivion. I am nothing towards him. And that's just painful.