A Size 4 is NOT FAT...

But that's a moot issue. Yes, I have in my possession a pair or bermuda-length, gray pin-striped shorts from The Gap in a Size 4. Yes, they fit. Yes, that's all dandy and exciting. However, I am still fat. I look in the mirror and see a girl who is a size 12+. Not that that's a bad size. It's just the size I see myself as, and in my pathetic excuse for a brain in the wee hours of Friday a.m., that's fat. Not just fat, but going back to morbidly obese fat.

You see, I haven't been eating perfectly. And when that happens, all hell is liable to break loose. Today's stats...

Calories		1,870
Fat	58.9	525	28	%
Saturated	21.9	195	11	%
Polyunsaturated	3.7	33	2	%
Monounsaturated	9.1	80	4	%
Carbohydrate	219.6	845	46	%
Dietary Fiber	34.4
Protein	121.0	487	26	%

Add in 1 small piece of whole wheat apple cake, 1/2 piece of flan, 1 cracker, a handful of tostitos, and a couple grapes. Can we say munchie? And naturally, munchies = failure. Because that's what this is to me. Failure. I may as well settle back and gain back all my weight. Why do I bother when I can't control myself? I feel like I've always been a failure, isn't it nice to be a size 4, give it up, you'll always be fat and a failure and I should die. Yes, in my world, any failure is automatic death. In fact, it's times like these I wonder if I should have died so long ago, better than being a failure.

While re-reading my words illuminates the idiocy of my own subconscious, it doesn't make it feel any less important and valid. I wish I could say "I read that, how stupid, bedtime!", but it doesn't. I see it objectively, and I know it's ludicrous, but at the same time, it's painful. A searing pain inside me that wants to crawl out and bitchslap me across the face.

I know my body's going through a lot right now. But I was given clearance to exercise, so why haven't I? Why am I being lazy? Just because I might be depressed and bored doesn't give me license to be a failure.

I give up on trying to write this out. After all, I think there's a limit on self-hatred before 5 a.m. Maybe tomorrow will be better.