Opening Up in 2010

So, I unlocked my blog because I needed a diary. I needed to start recording my feelings again, because I can feel the tremendous transformation I am undergoing, and it's really freaking me out.

Last November, my Dad fell off his bike and suffered a brain bleed, Staph infection, 2 blood clots in his lungs, and waltzed out of the hospital and after rehab in 6 weeks. It was a long six weeks, and he has definitely aged considerably. My petty arguments and crap with him notwithstanding, he's doing exceedingly well. And so are we. For us.

But why did I tell you (me?) this. Because during that time, I gained weight. Not, like, "I'm bloated", but a genuine "Holy Shit, I can't button my jeans" GAIN. How? Well, whether or not I like to admit it, I was drinking a LOT before I left for New York on December 20th. Not necessarily a handle in the backyard, but usually 3 glasses of wine or 2 martinis 4-5 nights a week. It has to be that, because I couldn't possibly have eaten 54,000 calories in ADDITION to what I was eating. My lowest weight that I felt comfy at was 143. So I'm aiming to get back there. Well, my first goal is 148, because that was where I think I was "maintaining", but I was skinnier at 143 and I like that better. One thing at a time.

In the world of depression, it's been very good. I added Celexa (very akin to Lexapro, which is working for 2 of my 1st cousins), which I was on for years as a child that we figured had eventually stopped working, or I stopped taking it, I just don't remember. Anyway, it was added to my meds and I'm feeling good. I'm also using pot again, and I'm okay with that. I got my license for it here in California. Certainly, it was MUCH to easy. The system for it is highly flawed, and easily taken advantage of. That being said, I'M FEELING BETTER. Not stoned. No, see, I'm not smoking and then sleeping or doing stupid things. Well, none I wouldn't do otherwise. I get things DONE. I clean, I do lesson plans, I cook a LOT, but I don't EAT a lot. Sure, I've had munchies. Not often. But I am not OUT OF CONTROL munchies. It's like it's perfect. Obviously I can't be so content most of the time, and I certainly would never wish to be this...whatever it is....all the time. Because that would mean it's not organically coming from me psychologically, in that it has to be stimulated, and that's okay with me.

Here's the fun part. By allowing myself to relax and not hate myself with extreme intensity during periods of being high, I've noticed a bleeding of that glimmer of self-acceptance into my daily consciousness. I'm still extremely critical of my body, of my flaws, of my failure (How DARE I gain weight?!), but now I don't have the same inflammatory and visceral, innate hatred. It's calming down. And tonight, I even thought I looked good, even if I'm not at the exact weight I desire. How amazing is THAT?

I've been sick for a few days, but that doesn't really matter. I've been seeing this guy Jeff, and we've gone out a few times. Tonight I went to meet him and some of his buddies for a drink. (Note: I met his friends? AH!) Followed by "The Book of Eli", which is yechy. Anywho, I got dressed, did my makeup, drove over. He and I were talking on the phone earlier and I was like "Do I need to dress nicely?" and he goes "No, but it is Saturday night".

And suddenly I realized I was partaking in the nostalgic pastime of having fun on a Saturday night. And I thought I looked cute. (Note: Need new makeup). And I was content. Is it just because I'm dating someone? God, I hope not, and really, I don't think so.

But I had to write about this. It's like I'm blossoming. But to be so aware of it is highly uncomfortable.

Oh, and I have an interview with Yeshiva University for my PhD. Boo-ya.